If this werer the Yowie: You would be about one foot tall. How do you like that?Courtesy limonadaI’m sorry, but what is this? What the hutch is this supposed to be?

Y’all sat down, y’all read the headline, but none of y’all gave it up for the Yowie. None of y’all gave anything up for the Yowie, let alone “it.”

Well y’all can just sit there, on the cryptocouch, and think about how, next time (if there even is a next time), y’all might show a little more enthusiasm. I mean, I can take it—I’m used to a certain lack of respect—but the Yowie… The Yowie is delicate. Y’all should be ashamed of y’selves.

I’m serious. You just think about it.

Okay? Are you ready to give it up, just a little? Thank you.

I’m sorry, but the Yowie gets the short end of the stick so often, someone has to stick up for him. You’ve probably heard of some of his “cousins,” like Bigfoot, or the Yeti, but the Yowie of Australia always gets passed over. Sure, he’s not even five feet tall, and, sure, everything else that comes out of Australia is nonsense (A “wallaby”? Please. I’ll believe it when I see it), but that doesn’t mean that you can just ignore the backwards continent’s own hominid cryptid. So are we cool now? Good.

Anyway, old Yowie (not to be confused—probably—with the “Yowie-Whowie” of aboriginal folklore) is in the news these days, if I can call The Canberra Times “the news” while writing in St. Paul, Minnesota. It seems that a local (again, local to Canberra) cryptid enthusiast set up a motion triggered camera in the wild near Glen Innes, and over the course of a week, captured 921 images, two of which show “a blurred black figure” he claims to be the wily Yowie. The photographer estimates the figure shown to be about 4’ 6”, which is kind of funny put next to his other piece of evidence: “I’d left a couple of cooked chops in a plastic bag in a tree about eight foot of the ground as bait, and when I returned it had been ripped apart.”

Eight feet? That’s a long ways up for such a little cryptid. It must really like cooked chops—I’m six feet, and it’d take a lot for me to get something off an eight-foot shelf. But, then again, I’m lazy. All the more reason to give it up for the little jumper.

Based on collected hair samples, and plaster footprint casts, the photographer and other cryptozoologists believe the Yowie to be descended from the giant extinct ape, gigantopithecus, although the gigantopithecus fossils have only ever been found in Asia.

Here are the images in question. I’m not so sure how I feel about the pictures, but, really, look at the guy. His right eye says, “Here’s hard photographic evidence,” but his left eye says, “Please believe me, y’all.” How could you not believe that? Believe him, y’all.

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