Apr
20
2008

Welcome to the future. Still no flying cars.

Future city, here we come!: Brace yourselves.Courtesy ILMO JOESixty “deep thinkers” from around the world have recently pooled their deep thoughts in a collection of essays titled “The Way We Will Be 50 Years From Today.”
Contributors include Vincent Cerf, “Father of the Internet,” Kim Dae-jung, former President of the Republic of Korea, Carol Bellamy, a former director of both UNICEF and Peace Corp, and Ray Kurzweil, futurist extraordinaire, to name just a few.
So you get all these smarty-pants in one book, and what do they predict? I don’t know—computers, and world populations, and blah, and blahbedeblah. I’ll tell you what they don’t predict: flying cars. Just swimming in IQ points, and no one is willing to stand up and say, “In five years we should, nay, must have some flying gol-darn cars!”
What can we expect from the next fifty years? Well, all kinds of stuff. Some highlights:
Eight billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine people and you.
The future is going to be a cozy place, so, you know, pack some sandals for the shower.
Fewer Pets
All manner of diseases, “from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s to Schizophrenia,” will turn out to be caused by infectious agents taking advantage of genetic predispositions. Animals will often be the vectors for these agents, so… no more animals in the house, I guess. We’ll probably still have dogs, because we like them so much, though.
”The Blue Revolution”
Where we get our water from, and how, is going to be a big deal. A really big deal. You and your 8,999,999,999 friends are going to need water for your agriculture, industry, sanitation, and papier-mâché volcanoes, and getting your little lips and paws on it might be tricky.
Intergalactic Planetary
Another dimension, new galaxy! This is just my way of saying that we’ll probably have outposts starting up on Mars or Titan. One of the few predictions I’m into. Technology like the Large Hadron Collider could make light-speed travel a possibility, so the solar system, at least, should get some looking-at. “Interplanetary Internet” will be available, something I’m not super excited about. I mean, I guess it’s nice to know that a day on Enceladus can be wrapped up with some hilarious pictures of cats. You can email them to your space-coworkers.
Enjoy those cat pictures
Remember? You won’t have any real cats.
We will live longer
Bodacious medical advances—we’re talking nano here, folks—will allow us to enjoy our interplanetary cat pictures for decades upon decades. Yes!
We won’t live as long
We’re so fat and lazy, not even nano can help us.
Chinese will be the next global language
China is hot Schmidt these days, and getting hotter. Google “tonal language” and start sweating.
Computers will continue to be better at math than you, and will probably express their emotions a little better too.
Deal with it. Those guys are smart, and getting smarter.
That’s it. Well, that’s not totally it, but you get the idea: yawn. Way to go, geniuses. You just predicted a bunch of stuff that will probably happen. Or not—it’s all so dull that nobody will realize either way. “Hey… didn’t we used to have a cat? No? Oh, whatever.”
You want some predictions that you can really sink your teeth into? Come to Science Buzz. Check it out—here are some predictions I just came up with. No research or anything; it’s so easy even a non-genius can do it.
Flying cars
You heard it here first. Cheap, fun, and available this summer.
New swear words
Swearing, v3.0, is finally here. Threaten to punch someone in the gleb, tell them they can window your fab, or make it clear that they can scotch off—just don’t do it in front of your mom!
Electric broadswords
For every occasion.
More pets, new pets
Polish up your aquarium, because mollusks are goint to be huge.
See? Those are predictions that will sell! If you need any more, don’t hesitate to ask.
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Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

flinch619's picture
flinch619 says:

thats amazing. the new swear word one is so obvious but i woulda never thought of it till i read it. these guys were really thinkin hard

BOOYAKASHA!

posted on Wed, 04/23/2008 - 9:33am
Liza's picture
Liza says:

Facebook has a Chinese word of the day application. Try it out. (Mandarin speakers everywhere will be laughing at you for days.)

posted on Wed, 04/23/2008 - 11:24am
koallainfestation37's picture

i do think it would be ballin to live in the future

posted on Thu, 04/24/2008 - 9:46am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Sadly, ballin' will be made illegal in the future. And no longer will the clubs be full of ballers. I think it has something to do with global warming.

posted on Fri, 04/25/2008 - 9:45am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

Ballers live forevere

posted on Fri, 04/25/2008 - 10:43am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

That's what they said about highlanders, and now look--there's only one.

posted on Fri, 04/25/2008 - 10:47am
zephyr's picture
zephyr says:

ya i tottaly agree with flinch619
Kulyas

posted on Thu, 04/24/2008 - 9:46am
Andy Korman's picture

The future as i see it is going to come to an end in about 100 yrs whether it be nuclear warfare or global warming it will end and then something new will arise and then die.

posted on Thu, 04/24/2008 - 9:51am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

"it will end and then something new will arise and then die."

Something new and totally awesome.

posted on Fri, 04/25/2008 - 9:49am
tiffany_88's picture
tiffany_88 says:

The future not is far to experimented and the consequences of the technology can be bring conflicts.

posted on Thu, 04/24/2008 - 9:54am
bert123's picture
bert123 says:

the future is going to be interesting to see but im ready for it, i just hope that we have robots that clean your house for you
IBI Call it what you want IBI

posted on Thu, 04/24/2008 - 9:57am
Looney_Tooney's picture

hahaha...
Flying Cars??
I was hoping they would make em but i guess not...

U Kno Wat Im Sayin!!!

posted on Thu, 04/24/2008 - 10:06am
shanee's picture
shanee says:

Flying Cars? That will be the day..

posted on Thu, 04/24/2008 - 10:08am

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