5-kidneyed man blows your mind.

And what does a five-kidneyed man dream of?
And what does a five-kidneyed man dream of?Courtesy This Years Love
A New Zealand man was admitted to his local hospital last week with a kidney infection. It turned out that he hardly needed to worry about it, though, because even if the infection completely destroyed one of his kidneys… he would still have four kidneys left!

That’s right, proving once again that things are backwards on the other side of the planet, all tests performed on the man seem to indicate that he has five kidneys, two on the left and three on the right.

I’ve never read Nietzsche, but I’m pretty sure this is what he meant by “ubermensch.” If one or two kidneys makes you a man, then surely five kidneys would make you a superman.

It should be noted that the five kidneys are not scattered willy-nilly throughout the man’s body cavity. The kidneys are all bunched together in the space that we lower humans use to keep our meager two kidneys. What tipped the nephrologists off was that there were several ureters (or “kidney tubes,” as I call them) leading to each kidney. There should only be one ureter (or “pee pipe,” as I call them) per kidney, leading the doctors to believe that the man did indeed have five independent (if bunched up) kidneys.

What’s the upshot of this? Well, the doctors say “nothing,” that having extra kidneys shouldn’t affect the man’s health. I’m no doctor, however, and I have other ideas. Super-strength seems an obvious side effect of extra organs, but, given that we’re dealing with kidneys here, super alcohol consuming abilities seems reasonable as well. I like to imagine that this man can turn buckets of delicious New Zealand beer into buckets of harmless New Zealand urine in just moments. If someone ever trapped him in a tank of beer, this could come in useful. Useful, I guess, if he would rather be trapped in a tank of urine. You never know. The man might also be particularly vulnerable to kidney-punches, something worth keeping in mind if he ever attempts to use his gifts for evil purposes. I’m not sure what these evil purposes would be, although the rapid production of urine comes to mind again.


Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

What about kidney stones, that could hurt

posted on Fri, 12/07/2007 - 4:13pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

I've done a little more research on this case.

It turns out that kidney stones are actually afraid of the man. A little counter-intuitive, I know, but think about it this way: Do you like water slides? Of course you do. But what about a five mile long water slide? It would be like getting digested by a snake. And your shorts would for sure come off.

posted on Wed, 12/12/2007 - 1:21am
Chrissie's picture
Chrissie says:

I had 4 kidneys. I had one removed back in 1995 after I was really really sick. No, having the extra kidneys doesn't mean that I can drink more beer and not get drunk easily, I can just hold more pee! Yes got to look out for those kidney punches but otherwise it doesn't bother me.

posted on Mon, 12/17/2007 - 1:56am

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