Aug
13
2008

Buckle up for big Bigfoot news! Whoa! Whooaa!

The illustrated Bigfoot: Quit screwing around with this drawing, and look at the article!
The illustrated Bigfoot: Quit screwing around with this drawing, and look at the article!Courtesy Jean-no
Holy moly, Buzzketeers! I've barely gotten all the crumbs and stank off of the cryptocouch from yesterday, and yet I ask, no, I insist that y'all have a seat once again. Don't mind the crumbs—they're yours.

Some folks in Georgia claim to have a Bigfoot body in their darn freezer! A bold claim, my southern friends, a bold claim, but they will supposedly be flying to California on Friday to hold a press conference with "Searching for Bigfoot Inc."

Word on the street says that these folks are lining up DNA tests, and that a molecular biologist, an anthropologist, a paleontologist and assorted other scientists will be examining the body over the next few months at "an undisclosed location," and carefully documenting their findings before public release.

I'd normally recommend Loren Coleman's Cryptomundo.com for this sort of thing (he's usually the guy to turn to for reasonable responses to kind of crazy claims), but the site has been all crazy itself today. Maybe because people are so into Bigfoot. So click on the "Word on the street" link above. There might still be a goofy looking photo.

Here are some details that have been released so far:
"*The creature is seven feet seven inches tall.
*It weighs over five hundred pounds.
*The creature looks like it is part human and part ape-like.
*It is male.
*It has reddish hair and blackish-grey eyes.
*It has two arms and two legs, and five fingers on each hand and
five toes on each foot.
*The feet are flat and similar to human feet.
*Its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel.
*From the palm of the hand to the tip of the middle finger, its hands are
eleven and three-quarters inches long and six and one-quarter inches wide.
*The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.)
*The teeth are more human-like than ape-like.
*DNA tests are currently being done and the current DNA and photo evidence will be presented at the press conference on Friday, August 15th."

I'm inclined to think this is fake, but, hey, if nothing else, it's a delightfully elaborate prank, and I'm all about that.

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

No, wait, I take it back—I think it's real.

Who wants to be a Bigfoot doubter?

posted on Wed, 08/13/2008 - 1:47pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

This comment board is off the hizook! I knew this one would be big.

Since y'all are clamoring for a follow-up, here's what we know:

The press conference did indeed happen, although very little came of it. The Georgians repeated their story, and a couple new images were revealed. A close up of Bigfoot's dead tongue, and a video still of a live bigfoot following the corpse-finders through the woods (according to the story).

Cryptomundo.com seems to have been killed by public interest in the story, so I recommend checking out Wired's version of the story. The pictures can be found there.

The initial DNA results were shared with the press as well. The tested sample (or samples?) apparently contained 3 genetic matches: human, opossum, and "inconclusive." I'm not sure what "inconclusive" means here—maybe "this DNA doesn't match anything we know of!" or maybe "your tissue sample was too sucky to yield anything worth looking at." I like to think that the bigfoot hunters don't really understand how DNA works, and just tossed a meat medley in a blender.

And that's about it. They maintain that it's real, nobody thinks it is, but we all still like Bigfoot. One has to wonder, though, why there are only three pictures out there. We live in the future, folks, and cameras are attached to everything. We can take hundreds of pictures before we even think about switching memory cards. Or, you know, we can take three blurry photographs of this magical wookie we found, because why would you want any more than that?

posted on Mon, 08/18/2008 - 3:39pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Noooo! Dead Bigfoot is officially a hoax!

Bigfoot authorities were finally given the chance to examine the frozen body on Sunday, and, after careful, scientific examination, they determined that it was, in fact, made of rubber.

I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing: "Some animals are made of rubber, right?"

I'm afraid not. No animals are made of rubber. Except for Pokey, Gumby's rubber horse, and we all know that he died in the late 80s.

The situation has lead to the embarrassment of prominent Bigfoot enthusiasts, all of whom are now drooling for the blood of two Georgian mountebanks. The Georgians have no doubt retreated to their swampy hideout, having set back the social standing of their state to antebellum levels.

Apparently the fraudsters thought it would take the Bigfoot people longer to tell rubber from organic tissue. The examiners, however, turned out to be like the creepy lovechildren of Batman and Sherlock Holmes, and were almost immediately able to recognize the frozen rubber costume for what it was. Or what it wasn't.

Oh, I wish this had gone on longer.

posted on Tue, 08/19/2008 - 10:04am
Thor's picture
Thor says:

This case has now been officially labeled a hoax. You can read all about that verdict here.

posted on Tue, 08/19/2008 - 4:27pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

CNN's most recent article on the situation includes this fantastic line:

Now the two Georgia men admit the hairy, icy blob was an Internet-purchased Sasquatch costume stuffed with possum roadkill and slaughterhouse leftovers.

Oh ho ho! That must have been the most hilarious afternoon ever.

posted on Thu, 08/21/2008 - 3:24pm
Thor's picture
Thor says:

Deep fry this stuff and pierce it with a stick and people would eat it at the State Fair, I bet!

posted on Fri, 08/22/2008 - 10:33am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Here's a little more on the anatomy of the Freezer Bigfoot.

Biscardi told Fox's Megyn Kelly, who'd previously been invited to view the specimen herself, that the rubber Halloween suit had been stuffed full of, well, organic material.

"It was the most macabre thing you've ever seen in your life," he said. "There's body parts of other animals in there — bones, eyes, tongues, cheeks. It's just incredible."

It also looks like the two Georgians have done a runner, taking with them the undisclosed but "substantial" amount of money the Searching for Bigfoot people advanced them (it's in the thousands, but nobody's saying how many thousands).

posted on Fri, 08/22/2008 - 10:18am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Things, it seems, are coming up roses for the Bigfoot hoaxers.

According to Loren Coleman's Cryptomundo.com, the real fake Bigfoot body is being auctioned off on eBay, and bids are already above $200,000, with several days left before the auction closes!

So that's nice for them. Although any criminal charges that might arise from their prank could take some of the fun out of it.

posted on Wed, 10/15/2008 - 12:56pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

The film that Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin made of Bigfoot is real. Bigfoot is a human-primate hybrid. Half man and half primate. Bigfoot was created by men that had sex with female gorillas and orangutans a long time ago. A man made creature.

posted on Fri, 01/21/2011 - 6:30pm

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