Mar
23
2008

The common gnome: Argentina’s newest species

A gnome: Hunting flowers.
A gnome: Hunting flowers.Courtesy Arlette
Leaving no obvious physical evidence, a certain amount of irony, at least, is apparent in what might generously be called a new cryptozoological phenomenon: the South American Crab-walking Gnome, dubbed “the new Bigfoot” by local police.

The city of General Guemes, Argentina, has been swimming in “gnome” sightings lately. “Knee-high” in height, and wearing a pointy hat, a gnome--or gnomes--have been furtively roaming the streets of General Guemes at night, moving with a distinctive and unsettling sideways walk.

While many dismiss the gnome as simply a mischievous dwarf with a penchant for dress-up, a recent video captured on a cell phone of the gnome (or dwarf) sidling across a lamp lit street has hundreds of locals coming forward claiming that they have seen a gnome at least once in their lifetime. (“Dwarf” here referring to a person with a genetic or medical condition resulting in an adult height of less than 4’10”, as opposed to something out of Lord of the Rings. When dealing with gnomes, it’s best to be clear on this sort of thing.) In fact, a local poll has shown that 90 percent of the thirty thousand people living in General Guemes believe the gnome to be genuine, and public concern has reached such a level that the mayor has prompted a full scale police inquiry.

The mayor himself is skeptical, but states, "I do not think that it is completely impossible. Gnomes are part of our culture here.”

Police Commisionaire Jose Luis Nunez, however, charged with tracking down the creature’s “lair,” is a believer, claiming that he personally saw a gnome when he was a child.

So, what, in fact, are we dealing with here?

The simplest explanation is likely the correct one--that someone with something like growth hormone deficiency is stalking the streets and rail yards of Argentina for, you know, fun. There’s an obvious flaw here, however: where’d he get that pointy hat? Those aren’t exactly available at every corner store, especially in gnome sizes. Maybe the gnome made the hat himself, but do you know who are the best pointy hat makers? That’s right: gnomes.

Urban sightings of the tiny and mythological are not entirely without precedence. Remember this little St. Patrick’s Day miracle? The difference being, of course, that the mayor of Mobile (as far as I know) never launched a police inquiry, and the darn leprechaun got away.

I’m thinking that this may be a situation calling for international intervention, both for the betterment of science (a tiny new species!), as well as for the safety of General Guemes, where some citizens are now afraid to venture out at night. Massive financial aide should do the trick, so that every resident of Guemes might own at least one net gun.

Any ideas, buzzketeers, on how to gnab this gnome?

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

Anaklusmos's picture
Anaklusmos says:

OK, Someone has to confront these Gnomes, stop running away they are only knee-hight im sure that group of people from the video could have taken the little guy on...

posted on Mon, 03/24/2008 - 6:47pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Um, have you seen Leprechaun? It's not that easy.

posted on Wed, 03/26/2008 - 2:08pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

I have a feeling this is legit. If you take a good look at the gnome in the video his outfit is very peculiar. Not only that there has been strange humanoid sightings in south america for some time, theres even been a report where a gnome touched a man in his leg and he had to get it removed because the calcium there was dissolving, they have magic or something your better off staying away.

posted on Sun, 01/17/2010 - 12:27am
hmoob_muas's picture
hmoob_muas says:

this is awesome..

posted on Thu, 03/27/2008 - 9:48am
koallainfestation37's picture
koallainfestation37 says:

wow a race of tiny little people
that could be kind of cool.
how would that change our society

posted on Thu, 03/27/2008 - 10:10am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

ha ha yes it´s a joke lol.I am 100% sure lo

posted on Tue, 04/08/2008 - 7:26am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

Gnomes belong on lawns not roaming the streets

posted on Tue, 04/08/2008 - 11:37am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

that would be awesome to commute with teeny little people on the streets

posted on Tue, 04/08/2008 - 12:55pm
Amelie's picture
Amelie says:

Oh my god...what a joke...why would everyone need a gun, do you want to kill the little gnome???? What did he ever do to anyone???? Wouldn't you think he's more scared of us than we are of him....Poor fellow...I cannot believe the mayor stating that they will use a "full scale police inquiry"....oh my god....JUST LET HIM BE for gods sake. So typical...the evil man steps in and thinks he owns the world and wants to kill everything that is slightly different. SHAME ON YOU. Leave him alone!

posted on Mon, 08/04/2008 - 1:40pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Net guns, Amelie, net guns. They shoot nets.

Although, now that you mention it, maybe real guns are the ticket here. We all know what a gnome's only weakness is: alternating slugs and buckshot. Good idea, Amelie. Thanks.

It's certainly a dangerous proposition, arming the 30,000 people of General Guemes just to stop a little gnome man, but maybe you're right, Amelie. Fortune favors the bold. And you know what they say: "You have to break some eggs to break a gnome."

After all, he's a sidler—he sidles. That's hardly what I'd call minding your own business. You know what sidles? Perverts and crabs, and you don't want either of those things creeping around at waist-height.

The gnome must be stopped, and if you refuse to use non-lethal net guns to do it... well, I can't force you. Good luck, and be safe.

posted on Mon, 08/04/2008 - 3:34pm
wraithdrudge's picture
wraithdrudge says:

nooo knomes are super cool and uber creepy plus they scare lil kids! don't outlaw knomes.........ifya knome what's good for ya!

posted on Wed, 10/15/2008 - 4:56pm
Zoso's picture
Zoso says:

I think that you should make freind with the gnomes and teach them our languages and introduce them to other parts of the world, i mean we could be talking about a real mix of culture! i mean the gnomes could probably teach us stuff and live with us and that would be awesome!

posted on Wed, 01/14/2009 - 5:52pm
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

hope theyre real that would be so sick... i want one

posted on Mon, 12/14/2009 - 10:49pm

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