Jun
24
2008

Don’t worry—there are more monsters. 18 of them.

Opps! There's one!: So I guess it's 17 now.
Opps! There's one!: So I guess it's 17 now.Courtesy Minnete Layne
Well, if you were feeling anxious about there being no more undiscovered sea monsters, chill out. There are still some out there. About 18, to be specific.

See, ever since Science’s parents (Magic and Critical Thought) stopped putting Science’s stuff up on the fridge, Science has really been going out of its way to make sure we all know how special it is.

We get it, Science, you’re great. Take it easy.

As if.

Science, in its latest flailing and pathetic play for attention, has announced that there are indeed more huge, unknown sea creatures out there, and it knows that there are 18 of them.

Okay, Science, whatever you say. Act like you know.

But, no, Science goes on to explain, here’s my reasoning: If we first decide that a body length exceeding 1.8 meters defines a large sea creature (which, by the way, makes JGordon a large sea creature by 3 cm when he goes swimming), we can then look at the rate at which large sea creatures have been discovered in the last 180 years or so. The rate of discovery for large sea creatures remains pretty strong, and if you consider the places large sea creatures could be hiding, deep in the oceans, or under polar ice, say, it’s very likely that there are quite a few of them left to find. Using some flashy statistical modeling, Science predicts that there could be as many as 18 of these large sea creatures still undiscovered.

Science goes on to emphasize that there probably aren’t any monsters hiding out in lakes and lochs, and that accounts of sea serpents and their ilk can probably all be explained by known creatures, like colossal squid, and 30 plus-foot oarfish. Ah, thanks for that, Science.

Still, Science doesn’t hold all the cards. It may know that there are 18 monsters still hiding out there, but I know exactly what they are. Deal with it, Science.

Anguirus
Baragon
Destroyah
Ebirah
Gabara
Ganime
Gigan
Gorosaurus
Kamoebas
King Caesar
King Ghidorah
Kumonga
Megalon
Minilla
Mothra
Rodan
Urkel
Varan

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

Liza's picture
Liza says:

When I was in my early teens, I had two gerbils named Godzilla and Rodan. They were awesome, until they ate each other...

posted on Tue, 06/24/2008 - 4:05pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Fitting, though, you know? I assume that Godzilla blasted Rodan with lightning from his spine first...

posted on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 8:23am
Anonymous's picture
Anonymous says:

that is super creepy

posted on Tue, 06/24/2008 - 7:10pm
mdr's picture
mdr says:

There is one sea creature that gave me the willies when I was a kid. It doesn't have a name, but it was known as THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD (I used to think it was called THE CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA until I saw that turkey on tv a few years ago, and it ended up being a cheap 3-day production producer Roger Corman knocked off when he got stuck at the location of another film he had finished). Anyway this MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD thing (a giant mollusk of sorts mutated by some kind of atomic contamination) would rise up out of the sea (the Salton Sea, actually) and attack its prey, leaving its radioactive slobber all over the place. Very scary. I know this because I finally tracked down this gem of a movie and watched it again. The last scene has former cowboy star Tim Holt defeating the last surviving MONSTER with a fire extinguisher in Hans Conried's science lab. ALIEN doesn't hold a candle to this kind of excitement.

posted on Tue, 06/24/2008 - 8:02pm
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

I like "The Creature from the Haunted Sea" better (as a name). How are you supposed to "challenge the world" from the banks of the Salton Sea (which, I think, is pushing its luck calling itself a sea).

Also--didn't they defeat the Blob with a fire extinguisher too?

posted on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 8:31am
mdr's picture
mdr says:

"The Creature from the Haunted Sea" was also the title of a song sung on camera by the lead actress!

Tim Holt played the commander of a naval base located at the Salton Sea, and the intial killings by THE MONSTER took place out in the middle of the sea, to a parachutist who had landed there during a training session, and to the sailors who had sailed out to retrieve them. But then later, THE MONSTERS decided to slither ashore and wreak havoc.

I guess I was wrong regarding where the giant gastropods came from in the first place. Evidently an earthquake in the area released them from their prehistoric lair. According to a little blurb in Wikipedia, the movie was inspired by the true story of prehistoric shrimp eggs that were reconstituted after millions of years. This is becoming more and more scientific the further I dig into it.

Yes, the Blob was stopped the same way - with fire extinguishers. If you can't bring in the Army you use what you've got.

posted on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 9:58am
Adam Talbott's picture
Adam Talbott says:

i love how non-scientists like to bash scientists for 'not knowing what they're talking about'

scientists are people who test theories for answers. lame people are people who judge everyone and don't have any appreciation for anything.

"Using some flashy statistical modeling"

Your ignorance is amazing. You actually said 'flashy', too. Did they use a lot of 'big words' or too many words because you wanted to see the pictures?

Get real.

posted on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 8:45am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Hey Adam,

Who says I'm not a scientist?

J/K, dude, you got me--I'm no scientist.

I like your definition of scientist, but I resent the implication that I'm lame for not being one. I'm lame for falling asleep in a nest of beanie-babies every night, maybe. I do, in fact, judge everyone—I'm judging you right now (I can't help it)—but it's not fair to say that I don't appreciate anything. I appreciate beanie-babies, for one. And sea-monsters. And both!

I would have liked smaller words and bigger pictures, but I would never bash a scientist. Physically or otherwise.

I do, after all, work at a science museum.

Keeping it real,

JGordon

posted on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 10:42am
ragnardinnho's picture
ragnardinnho says:

if we don't know where they r but we know how many there r. then where r they. we still haven't found the cracken either but is jules vern's monster counted too. this whole thing sounds way too crazy to be plausible, but putting out a solid number. they've bitten off more than they can chew. scientists have gone overboard this time. i think there might be more but i could never judge how many!

posted on Fri, 07/25/2008 - 1:55pm

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