Oh, Internet: You always know just what I want.Courtesy Mike MonteiroYou know, I can’t be certain that the giant squid are planning on eating us. It may be (stress may) that they simply intend to capture our species to use us as servants. Unfortunately, I’m not a particularly strong swimmer, nor do I think I could hold my breath long enough to do much work for a squid, so I’m kind of hoping that they just plan to eat us.

Regardless of the specifics, the evidence is indicating pretty clearly (to me) that the mega-cephalopods are making their move—giant squid and colossal squid (“giant” and “colossal,” of course, being species, not simply adjectives) are turning up left and right, their huge eyes taking in our every move. Huge dead eyes, sure, but they’re still everywhere.

As it happens, yet another giant squid has turned up in the waters off Australia. Depending on which story one reads, the giant squid was caught while still alive or after it had died (for sure one of those two options, though—I haven’t read any other descriptions). Either way, it seems that the goodship Zeehan, a trawler out of Victoria, Australia, was dragging a net at a depth of about 500 meters late Sunday night. When the crew winched up the net, they noticed “a big ball” about halfway down that was obviously not a fish. No it was a 19-foot-long, 500-pound squid, probably sending a telepathic message to its kin at that very moment, asking them to avenge its humiliation and death.

As usual, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Five hundred pounds? My aunt weighs five hundred pounds. And that colossal squid they thawed out to study a few weeks ago weighed twice that much. Why should I care about this dead squidsie?”

And that, my friends, is where y’all are all messed up.

Do you say. “Well, that sunrise is sort of pretty, but it’s no sunset.” Or, “The Statue of Liberty is big, but Godzilla could still crush it.” No! No you don’t. That would be missing the point of those things entirely. So, yes, the colossal squid specimen technically is bigger than this giant squid, but is it better? Well, yes, but that’s not the point either. It’s a giant squid, i.e. it’s awesome.

If you must ask questions, instead of simply being and enjoying, ask questions like these: Why are we finding more huge squid these days? Is their ecosystem changing in some way that they’re moving into areas where they’re more likely to be caught? Are people fishing more in new areas, or at new depths, and that’s why? Or are we not really catching more squid—we’re just able to find out more quickly and get indisputable proof (nice digital photographs) with all the awesome technology living in the future now allows.

Or, we might ask if there’s anything special about the individual squid that are caught. Are they of a certain age group, or sex? They’re always alone—is that important?

Now we’re pretending like we’re scientists! So get into that sort of thing. Or just chill out and enjoy the squid.

Oh, hey--this gets the prize for the grossest thing I’ve seen yet today. But not in the last week (a grown man eating his boogers still keeps that title).