Dec
19
2008

The King of Cool’s warts are growing back.

Oh, I don't know...: It's a tree, it sort of looks like a man, it's kind of kingy... Just read the post, okay?
Oh, I don't know...: It's a tree, it sort of looks like a man, it's kind of kingy... Just read the post, okay?Courtesy Natmandu
I’ve never seen that show “Ugly Betty,” but I’m assuming that the premise is that there’s a girl who’s too poor to buy the clothes and makeup that would make her hot, and that her parents were too poor to buy the childhood braces that make our teeth hot, and that eventually she’ll have some sort of Cinderelly event where she gets all these things and finally just be Hot Betty.

I could be off on this, but I feel pretty confident.

There’s also that late-90s movie about the dorky girl and the hot guy who goes out with her on a bet… What was that called? It was in the vein of “10 things I hate about you” (#1: your attitude)… It doesn’t matter. At some point in the movie, somebody had this sort of scientific/religious revelation that if they let the dorky girl’s hair down, and put her into a tight, red dress, she would suddenly transform into a hot girl (who still knew how to read and stuff)!

I’m not sure if I actually saw that one either, or if I just watched the preview a bunch of times, but I’m pretty sure it was a great film.

Anyway, last year the world got to experience a similar transformation in real life, thanks to Dede Koswara, the Tree Man. Y’all remember him? He has an extremely rare genetic condition that prevents his immune system from controlling the growths caused by the human papilloma virus—that is, he was covered in monster, foot-long, horny warts. I guess they kind of made him look like a tree, which, outside of fantasy epics, is decidedly un-hot. They also prevented him from being able to feed himself, which is also pretty un-hot.

Last spring, then, Dede was offered medical treatment for his condition, and underwent some serious pruning. All in all, more than 14 pounds of warty growths were cut off of him, and… sparkle sparkle… a regular Javanese James Dean emerged, a latter-day Skeet Ulrich, a living Corey Feldman!

Don’t believe me? Check out this picture. Not only can he feed himself now, he can smoke! And if you can see through the smoke and remnant warts, you’ll notice stylish glasses, and a brooding expression. Very nice. I think the world has just found its “Mr. Ugly Betty.”

Sadly, when one assumes the Crown of Cool it’s only a matter of time before tragedy finds him. James Dean, Steve McQueen, River Phoenix, James Franco—all casualties of the rock and roll lifestyle of the blisteringly cool. And now, it seems, Prince Dede’s warts are growing back.

While doctors say that the condition is no longer life-threatening, we members of the cult of Koswara can only stew in our dread and wait for Dede to return to the way he was.

We knew this would happen, Charlie, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

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