Drowning his sorrows: Sorry, little buddy, but it won't work. (Photo courtesy of AlexK100 on flickr.com)Scientists are giving alcohol to little ratsies and discovering that drinking may, in fact, strengthen memory. At first glance, this flies in the face of hundreds of years of college students waking up with skinned knees, burned fingers, and mystery bruises, and then wondering how they possibly could have obtained them, but the methods employed by Ohio State researchers are hilarious enough, in a casual cruelty kind of way, that one has to take notice.

The researchers found that moderate consumption of alcohol seems to benefit memory, while the consumption of large amounts tends to impair it, except in situations involving “heightened emotion.”

These conclusions were reached by giving rats liquid food solutions containing 0, 2.5, or 5 percent alcohol. According to their report, “the lower dose of alcohol is equivalent to a couple of glasses of wine a day and produces blood-alcohol levels well below typical legal driving limits. The higher dose gave the rats equivalent blood-alcohol levels well above the driving limits.”

I wasn’t aware rats were even legally able to drive in the first place, but, then again, I’ve never been to Ohio.

The moderate drinking rats were found to have improved “neutral” memory (like the ability to recall the location of objects), as well as “emotional” memory (the emotional incident apparently being an electric shock to the foot). The heavy drinking rats were less able to remember the location of objects, but recalled the emotional memory (electrocution) very well.

The researchers think that the benefit of moderate drinking may be from the brain sensing the alcohol as a mild injury, and becoming stronger as a response – sort of like physical exercise, where muscles are challenged and then strengthen.

Apparently the idea of “drinking to forget” only works if you’re a very committed drinker, and even then you probably won’t forget your divorce. Finding your keys will be more difficult, though.

This all, of course, leaves the rats in something of a bind. With self-medication out of the picture, one wonders how they’re supposed to deal with the boozy food, as well as the constant electrocutions and memory tests. Talk therapy might be less than adequate.