May
22
2008

Man fights beast to standstill. Children, hairdressers watch, horrified.

Goepfert and his foe, already immortalized: The article was unclear as to whether Goepfert went to the salon naked, or stripped for the fight.
Goepfert and his foe, already immortalized: The article was unclear as to whether Goepfert went to the salon naked, or stripped for the fight.Courtesy The Adventures of Kristin & Adam
You know what I’m all about? Man versus Nature.

And let’s be clear here—I’m not talking about Moby Dick. I don’t mean two concepts sitting across the room from each other, growling; I’m not thinking about freshman English. This is real talk; this is man-eating, horse-punching, mauled by bears, sannakji.

How else are we supposed know who’s best? Sure, animals aren’t very good at using guns, but then very few people have been able to grow good horns and claws. This is why I’m also into casual animal abuse (like calling pets dirty words in a friendly voice), and the very underappreciated Fox Man vs. Beast specials. That was like having people race animals across a settling pond, with a tug of war in the middle.

You can understand my enthusiasm, then, for this little news item. Sometime in the last couple of weeks, a noble animal warrior, a white-tailed buck, made a daring sally against a suburban Pennsylvania strip mall, striking first at a hair salon. The animal crashed through the glass door of the hair fixery with one thought on its mind: fresh meat. I don’t know much about deer.

Determined to defend his son and the other children in the salon, local hotshot Randy Goepfert hulked out, and took matters into his own hands.

“The thing was heading right at my son, so I decked him,” says Goepfert. (“Him” meaning the deer, not the son.) He then “grabbed the buck by the neck and slammed it to the floor, then climbed on top and began choking it.” The plan, it seems, was to restrain the creature until the authorities arrived, who would certainly be impressed.

Male white-tailed deer generally weigh between 130 and 220 pounds, so it was very likely that the beast was outweighed by Goepfert, a scale-crushing 225-pounder. Nonetheless, the deer managed to throw the grappling dad and regain its feet. Goepfert then chased animal into a back room, and blocked thee door with chairs.

Having no fingers and a brain the size of a lemon, the game was pretty much over for the buck. Animal control arrived and sedated the animal. It seems, however, that Goepfert had won not only the battle, but the war; the buck’s jaw was broken, and it had serious cuts on its neck, and was euthanized. Goepfert escaped euthanasia, although his family will no doubt be keeping a close eye on him (once they taste blood, there’s no telling what a man will do).

A wildlife conservation officer said that the deer was probably just very frightened and disoriented.

“They have a very, very primeval flight response. If they get scared, they don’t think, they just try to get away.”

Too bad, my animal friends, too bad. You might want to deal with that, if you ever hope to get ahead in the only game that matters.

Man—1,003,947,860,220

Beast—1,024

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

koallainfestation37's picture
koallainfestation37 says:

the poor deer was just scared as hell
but then the guy was just trying to protect his kid

posted on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 9:04am
BLB's picture
BLB says:

yeah we didn't grow horns or claws so he used what he had against the deer. what he didn't have was clothes...

Yadadamean!!!

posted on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 9:10am
MrBig621188's picture
MrBig621188 says:

i love this article it was funny i like the numbers at the bottom though that cracked me up.

posted on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 9:22am
JGordon's picture
JGordon says:

Hmm. They aren't totally accurate anymore--I heard that a guy in Thailand swallowed a bug this weekend and almost puked, so maybe I could up that number to 1025, or at least 1024.5

posted on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 9:58am
Jefflemus00's picture
Jefflemus00 says:

This sounds kinda krayzee. ;))

posted on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 9:26am

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