Feb
26
2009

Ragtag band of tigers fight for the planet

Montecore mourns the loss of T.I.G.E.R.S.'s innocence
Montecore mourns the loss of T.I.G.E.R.S.'s innocenceCourtesy Esparta
So… in the last month, six people in Sumatra have been killed by tigers.

What are you going to do with that, JGordon? Are you going to turn six awful, grisly deaths into some kind of joke?

Thank you, no. I’m not a jerk. Getting killed by a tiger would be a terrible way to die. And the deaths of six real people aren’t funny… or cool… or whatever you maniacs think.

That’s why we’ll be ignoring the tragedy of this news item, and re-imagining it as an awesome cartoon adventure series—something to fill the void left when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles forgot their roots, or when the Power Rangers all got arrested in that human trafficking sting operation.

And so, allow me to present the T.I.G.E.R.S., Tactical Intervention Gamma: Eco Recovery Strikeforce (You know what? Chill. We can work on the acronym later.)

The T.I.G.E.R.S. are an elite unit of, like, talking tigers. They have been tasked by the Rainforest League to protect the jungles of the world from deforestation. Kong, a wise old silverback gorilla, heads the League.

It’s like Captain Planet, without the creepy blue guy. (Who was he, anyway? The villain?) Isn’t that awesome?

The T.I.G.E.R.S. are:

T-Bone: The crazy one. Dynamite? Oh, this dynamite? (Y’all know what I’m talking about.)

Stripes: The funny one. Think Michelangelo. (Not the original Michelangelo, who gave the world David; the better one, who gave pop culture nunchucks.)

Sheba: The lady tiger. She’s probably good with knives, or something.

Montecore: the smart one. He’s also old. And he’s one of those white tigers, like the one that hugged and kissed Roy into the hospital

And, finally, Tigrus, the leader. He’s really big, and has a tiger-gun (it’s like a regular gun, but with stripes on it.)

I’m thinking that episode 3 of T.I.G.E.R.S. will probably cover this incident. (Episodes 1 and 2 I’m saving for introducing the main villain, that blue guy from Captain Planet.)

I think it will go a little something like this…

The T.I.G.E.R.S. are on a mission in Sumatra, creeping though thick undergrowth.

Tigrus: All right, men-

Sheba: And ladies.

Tigrus: -and ladies. We’re in enemy territory now. Keep your heads down. You all know the mission—we sneak into the logging camp, put sleeping pills into their water barrels, and get out.

Montecore: And the Rainforest League ships the sleeping beauties to Greenland.

Tigrus: Exactly.

T-Bone: I don’t see why we can’t just do it my way—a little T N T, and it’s C U later loggers.

Sheba: No! Nobody gets hurt, remember? And an explosion like that could damage the trees!

T-Bone: Hey, you have to break some eggs to make a good explosion, you know?

Tigrus: T-Bone…

T-Bone: Okay, boss! Take it easy.

Stripes: What’s that noise? It sounds like giant mosquitoes!

Montecore: Those are chainsaws, Stripes.

Stripes: I don’t know... It sounds like mosquitoes to me.

Montecore: No. Those are Husqvarna R-7 long-bar chainsaws.

Stripes: If you say so. But don’t come crawling to me for calamine when you’ve got the world’s biggest bug bite.

Sheba: Oh, Stripes.

Tigrus: Shhh! What’s that sound?

Stripes: I think it’s mosquitoes.

Tigrus: No, Stripes, not that… it sounds like footsteps!

A logger holding a lunchbox walks into the clearing. He is surprised to see the T.I.G.E.R.S. commandos.

Logger (translated from Malay): Hello!

T-Bone: This kitty toy is mine!

Tigrus: T-Bone, no, wait!

It’s too late: T-Bone has already leapt on the man. Screams. Cut to commercials.

Return to show. The T.I.G.E.R.S. are in the same area of the jungle. Montecore is covering his face with his paws, possibly crying. The rest of the team stands around T-Bone, who is covered in blood.

Sheba: T-Bone… what have you done?

T-Bone: I don’t know what happened! He was encroaching on my territory, and instinct just kicked in… I couldn’t stop myself…

T-Bone tries to wipe the blood from his face, but his bloody paws just smear it around.

Tigrus: This is bad. This is really bad.

T-Bone: I… I didn’t have enough space! We’re being forced to compete for resources!

Tigrus: Shut it!

A device strapped to Tigrus’ arm begins to beep

Tigrus: Oh, no! My Rainforest League communicator! It’s Kong!

T-Bone begins to shiver. Monticore is sobbing loudly now. Kong’s voice come’s from the communicator.

Kong: Agent Tigrus? What’s your status?

Tigrus: We… ah… we had to abort the mission, Kong.

Kong: What happened? Is everyone all right?

Sheba begins to answer, but Tigrus holds a paw over her mouth.

Tigrus: We’re all fine, thank Mother Nature. But that blue guy from Captain Planet showed up, and… one of the human loggers was killed.

Kong (angrily): The blue guy! Will his thirst for blood never be sated? This is bad news men… Kong waits for Sheba’s correction, but she can say nothing with Tigrus’ paw still over her mouth. Anyway, you all had better head for the extraction point. Oh, and Tigrus?

Tigrus: Yes sir?

Kong: Don’t worry. We’ll make that blue guy pay for this.

Tigrus: Yes sir. turns off communicator Ok, everybody. Pull yourselves together. We have to get out of here. T-Bone, try to clean yourself off. Stripes… What are you doing Stripes?

Stripes is going through the logger’s fallen lunchbox.

Stripes: I’m just seeing what he brought for dessert!

Everybody (except Montecore, who is still crying): Oh, Stripes…

Cue theme music

Not bad, huh? We have a very tricky situation here: Sumatran tigers, of which perhaps only 400 or so still live in the wild, are losing their habitat to deforestation. Sumatrans, however, are just trying to make a living, and sometimes resort to illegal logging practices. Extensive encroachment into the tigers’ habitat is proving dangerous for everything involved. But I think I handled the issue pretty tastefully, all things considered.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be wherever rich and famous cartoon creators hang out.

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

shanai's picture
shanai says:

Maybe they could use these bulletproof tiger vests that were invented to help Bengal tigers survive attacks from poachers?

Go to the link, scroll down, past the Polar Bear Life Vests....

posted on Thu, 02/26/2009 - 4:49pm
Liza's picture
Liza says:

Hmmm, but who wants to dress a tiger?

posted on Thu, 02/26/2009 - 5:18pm
Holden's picture
Holden says:

I love tigers, in fact their my 3 favorite animale.

posted on Sat, 02/28/2009 - 9:19am
bryan kennedy's picture

Tiger SWAT teams jump to mind.

posted on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 9:50am
Holden's picture
Holden says:

Tigers are indangered because people are cutting down trees for papper and some other stuff and so that is making tigers not have a home and not to have trees to climb on and strech on.I wish they wouldn't have to do this kind of stuff, first they can look for places animales don't live in and then get the papper with no harm.

posted on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 1:44pm

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