Saturday’s featured planet: Mercury, where it snows iron…underground.

If only pictures had sound: Look--all the stars are holding up their lighters!
If only pictures had sound: Look--all the stars are holding up their lighters!Courtesy NASA
Isn’t it embarrassing when you realize that you’ve been operating on a misconception for, well, a really long time? Like, “Oh, my god, his girlfriend’s name is ‘Sara’! I’ve been calling her Starla!” or “Full House’s Uncle Jessie was supposed to be a functional illiterate? Of course!”

It’s the pits, you know? And it has happened to me again.

Ever wonder where hardcore metal bands come from? Not me—I always assumed they usually came out of Scandinavia, or horrible little Chicago suburbs. It seemed like a pretty safe bet, but now I’ve been forced to reevaluate the whole thing, and I’m not looking like a very smart guy. No, it’s clear to me now, after reading about a recent geophysical theory, that the most hard core hardcore metal bands must come from the planet Mercury.

How do I know this? It’s obvious. New geophysical models suggest that it “snows” iron on Mercury. That’s pretty hardcore, but it doesn’t stop there—here on Earth, our snow falls in delightful little flakes, like tiny, pretty fairy hats. With snow like shaped that, it’s amazing we can even listen to metal without our heads turning inside out, melting, and then bursting into explosive gas. See, on Mercury the snow falls in cubes. Cubes of iron. And these cubes don’t just drift lazily through the atmosphere like boring Earth snow. In fact, they don’t move through the atmosphere at all, because on the planet Mercury, it snows iron cubes underground.

It’s thought that the core of Mercury may be made up of molten iron and sulfur. As this white hot brimstone brew approaches the surface of the planet, it cools, and the iron condenses into cubes that sink back into the core. These conditions may explain why Mercury has such a weak magnetic field (Mercury is the only other terrestrial planet in our solar system that possesses a global magnetic field, but the field is 100 times weaker than Earth’s for some reason). They certainly explain where the best blood drinking, arson committing, vocal cord scraping metal bands come from (specifically, I imagine that the planet periodically vomits broods of spike covered babies from volcanoes). Our fluffy, whimsical, puff ‘n stuff snow, on the other hand, is clearly the reason why we produce the people that make the computers that make easy listening music.

Iron snow. Underground. Great.

Your Comments, Thoughts, Questions, Ideas

Amanda's picture
Amanda says:

i dont understand how they know so much about the planets but yet theyve onyl been on earth mars and the moon yet they have all these theorys but people are to nervouse to what thye might find if they really do go on the planets so i kind of understand what is going on now..

posted on Thu, 05/15/2008 - 10:14am

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